going to bed 4 AM too late

having a dream about being in france - just hanging out - priceless.

but i'm starting to freak out. going back to new york to begin my insane life again. no time, for anything. i have 2 days to move before classes start, and no car to do it. i'm not one to ask others for help, ever. doing things on my own and by my self is the way things go, always. it's how my philosophy works, and how i remember that my philosophy is seriously fucked up. i will give and give and give and give to people and to my friends and to the ones i care about, yet i never expect anything back. the idea of someone doing these things for me strikes me as impossible. i'm never trying to inconvenience anyone, while i go out of my way with no question when people inconvenience me. and to add to this, relying on anyone but myself has become something i avoid completely. always getting fucked over by others, i realize that you can't trust anyone but yourself.
my one clear option for moving can't work. i have an aunt in jersey who would stop time to help me in any way, but for her to drive her million dollar range rover into the ghetto in brooklyn is not happening. no way in hell can i let her see my neighborhood let alone my apartment. i have a feeling new york is going to be exactly how i left it, and how it left me. a week of scurrying around, freaking out, not getting any sleep, worrying about time and about money and about what the fuck i'm doing. i don't even have a bed.