the male menstrual cycle

i had to make note of this somewhere. i'm trying to find the reasons behind a lot of things and taking the approach that no, it's not me. i'm recording that the week of sunday/monday (september 27ish) is a week waiting to end. there were similar actions/reactions the week of august 9th, but let's discount that. this week is the beginning to the beginning. using this to record the haps and mishaps of it all. we'll see where this goes. probably no where, because this is the internet and it's not going to get lost or thrown away. probably no where, because this is my life and my life is a continuum and not a process of linear events. sporadic and nonsense. i feel low and i need a hug. my source of high and hugs is the cause of this all, so i need to search elsewhere for the time being.

new life

old life.
weird not knowing the future. weird giving in to the present.

went to a wedding in my parents backyard. enjoyed it, sort of. i took home left overs, enough to feed an army. who wants lunch??


i haven't used this thing in a lifetime. my fingers are a lil rusty.

my boyfriend

i like sharing, but only when it benefits me.


best friends are good for buying you vibrators, but boyfriends are good for sharing a bed with.

i'm a star

blahhhhhhhhh i am in photo class and listening to a lecture on photoshopping things to make a photo montage, all of which i already know how to do.

updates on lauren tarver:

i have stopped smoking weed. seriously.
elena martinez is coming to new york city, everyone get ready
i bombed my psych midterm. this does not reflect my knowledge of psychology.
my obgyn will not call my prescription into a pharmacy out of state. fuck that?
i am hungry.
it is spring and i can't tell. cold weather, go away.
my birthday is in 3 weeks, yay.

i dunno. i'm boring.


i've been spending more time with the male species, thank god. i need a break from too much female energy and too much negative male energy. i spend too much time in my head, i hear enough female perspective as it is.



i will elaborate on this later.


last night i freaked out. realized i do not have a home and the idea of going "home" scares me, because of how unhappy my last memories of living there were. i don't know. it made me cry and have bad dreams. that i know.

without you here

sometimes the light coming in from my window just isn't quite enough.

morrissey...NOT

so excited, soooo excited to go to california. but i was just officially offered a free ticket to morrissey this coming monday, when i will be in the sun on a bike drinking hella beer because i will be wallowing in the fact i cannot make the show. oh amy rose, i am sorry i cannot make it and i am sorry your beau isn't either. we suck, but i suck more because i could've easily made it such the time and i cannot.

someone better make this vacation fucking amazing in order to make up for lack of the moz.

quick one, it's been awhile

we surely, surely
got this under wraps but where does one end
start and the other begin.
can you come over and bring me flowers?
of all different colors and
of different origins
can i be the only reason
you quit wanting something you can't have?
deceive me, while you still can,
and send me roses on your behalf to ensure
this is all just a ploy, a play
towards the discomfort of a dim light
breathing upon a dim kiss before your front door
under the clouded glow of the waning moon.
chasing these ideas around because of just
one emotion brought upon by secret encounters
and silly ideas.
reason to let me inside if it won't disrupt
the care you carefully contain
under the ties of a distilled,
darkness ringing from the light switch
flipped off, and never to be turned on while i stand
here in front of the rigid absence of our company
which is hardly better
than being, instead, in the company
of my absence