cobblestone and wishbones

happiness comes from beneath the attention you give me. if i'm too good for the ignorant, unsuccessful, petty, and unfaithful, then i'm too good for you.
i can't wait for snow filled sidewalks and gloves, hand in hand walking down the street toward an 8 by 12 room where i will lay drinking tea and reading. me reading, him drawing inside the book he pretends to read. my head on his shoulder, waist tucked into hip, legs tangled beneath warm blankets. stray cat clawing at the door. gun shots, safely rounding off thousand of miles from where you are. kids across the street, at the park doing the things we want to live away from. a train ride from where his and my life began, where it stays, where it will end. a plane ride away from the place i belong, but will never end up. i stay on this coast to be happy and content. i visit yours to remember better times where i was never happy, never content. where i longed to feel the satisfaction that i do here. where i hoped to have made it count, and to have made life become what i had aimed for. you were a huge factor into the equation, towards the figures i count into the journey that i made. i would give up a thousand wishes, a thousand memories, a thousand miles to be with you and be happy with you. this could never happen. i've tried too many routes, too many attacks. too many surrenders. i'd rather retreat to a place that others may see as opportunity, as a positive escape. in all honestly, these brownstone houses and sky scraping homes are my surrender. they are where i want to stay to ignore the issues i try to fix. this is where i run off to when i don't want to confront anything. i run into the lives of amazing people, amazing places, amazing circumstances. into the arms of someone who i can guarantee will bring about the best in me. into the arms of the reality that you are not in my life. knowing that this can be the only contact with you that will make me happy, makes me angry. makes me want to be as far from you as i can get, to make you want to be as near as you can manage. i hope we can manage.